Good Times: Apocalypse 2.0

Watching the Middle East is like watching an adult version of Hungry Hippos—they’re eating each other into the point of oblivion.

 Egypt fell. It’s anyone’s guess who is going to run it in the end; Muslim Brotherhood-Schmotherhood. Young, inspirational, democratic Egyptians are being hailed for removing their evil dictator from 30 years of rule. Oh, did I mention they also gang-raped and beat the hell out of an innocent CBS journalist during the course of this? “An overblown assumption,” according to an NYU Professor and journalist, Nir Rosen, who also called the victim a war monger.

(An afterthought: I wonder if protests like this would work in ousting Obama? Scratch that—Obama’s ouster puts Biden in the Oval Office). I’ll wait until 2012.

Iran is moving war ships into the Suez Canal, with a stern condemnation from Israel. I hope Israel blows them right out of the water. World War III, pheesh, we can handle it. Italy’s Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, is oblivious to it all. He’s too busy attending “bunga bunga” parties with Ruby the Heartbreaker (both pictured right). Currently, he’s fixing his broken heart from being bunga’d to death. Not to be confused with Zumba. Oh, and he got indicted to boot.

Some economists are predicting a world-wide food shortage—resulting in mass hysteria and war by April. We should be good though. The “doomsday” vault in the Arctic Circle just got another deposit of pea pods last week from the Australians, bringing the total to 250 million specimens. When they start banking farm animals there, then I’ll worry. Dead birds, crabs, cows, and fish are turning up in masses across the country. No need to panic. That’s just the “doomsdayers” stocking up for the food shortage. Other economists are predicting we’ll run out of gas by summer. That’s okay, too. My bike needs a good dusting off and I definitely need the exercise.

My horoscope predicted a huge financial windfall at the end of January. I waited. It didn’t happen. All I received that week was even more snow and ice. Thanks, Al Gore. The US Education system is in the toilet. If I had the money I would hire a tutor and home school my kids. I can’t, because my horoscope was wrong.

Scientists are predicting a Super Storm to possibly hit California this year. Who’s going to dry out all that pot?

The Apophis Asteroid may hit the earth in 2036. Good. Now I don’t have to quit smoking. We may not have to worry about the asteroid though, since some believe The Big Bang could occur in 2012. Another bonus; I can quit working out and live out my days eating In and Out burgers.

Just last week The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were spotted having a vanilla Soy Latte at a Starbucks in NYC.

Lastly, (wait…wait for it), the finale. A UFO was captured hovering above the Dome of the Rock in Israel and—in more ET news; several UFO’s were seen hovering over Utah.

Good Times.

“Swing away, Merrill…Swing away.”

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